I almost don't even want to write it down because it might jinx the whole thing, but I believe it is time: we are going to move into a new place.
This is what we decided: a place that is better kept: no rats, no rot, no crumbling and cracking. A place that has more room, preferably a bigger kitchen. A place that is bigger or that stands alone. A place that has windows that can open and close. A place that has an outside area -- porch, balcony, patio, or stoop. We've been quietly looking for about a month now, with our eyes set on some really interesting, almost unbelievable apartments in the area, including 100-year old buildings with tiny little drawers built into the kitchen walls, goofy staircases that lead to triangular sleeping lofts, walls painted black with lots and lots of track lighting . . . We might have said "yes" to any of these well-priced, groovy little gems, but the poor conditions of the walls, chew-holes under the sinks, and leak-stains in the ceilings would just be more of the same, and why spend more for pretty much the same? It was by accident that we drove past a charming, blue, multi-windowed house with a For Rent sign stuck in the front yard, not too far from where we live now. We scribbled down the number and called. When we learned the affordable rent, we wondered what would be wrong with it. Less than a week later, we were standing in the unbearably hot kitchen signing a lease.
Five years ago, when H and I were looking for a place to live and ended up here, we had went through a similar, perhaps more extended, search. One evening, we met with a landlord who let us in to take a look at the top floor of a duplex about a block from where we live now. The woman who was moving out was home when we arrived, and we asked her some questions about living there. As she prattled on about how terrible the landlord was and why she would recommend that we not move in there, I began to notice little -- what are those things called? (my mother calls them "sticky tabs" and it wasn't until later in life that I realized no one else called them this. post-it notes?) -- post-it notes stuck all over the apartment: on the kitchen cabinets, on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, on the door to the bedroom, on the sliding glass door to the balcony, and on the inside of the front door on our way out. These little yellow notes all had the same uncanny message: "IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!" The tenant never made mention of these notes, and H and I didn't ask, but it made looking at the place an even more surreal experience in which, at every turn, we were reminded that looking for a place to rent is not all about "you", but something larger, more complex that might be at work and that, you have to finally admit, no place will be exactly what "you" want.
It is with this in mind that I return to the heat of the kitchen in which I scribbled my signature at the bottom of a lease a few days ago. After looking under the sinks, opening all the cabinets and drawers, checking out the tops of the closets and base boards along the storage areas, admiring the sheer size of the rooms, finding the tub immaculately caulked and sealed with none of the tiles broken or missing, and inspecting the perimeter of the property for signs of decay and/or varmint habitation and finding none, I said "yes" in my mind and "yes" out loud and "yes" as I moved the pen across the page. Stepping out the back door and onto the tiny little screened in muckroom to once again admire the small back yard area where we will certainly throw parties, I noticed what looked like the long butt-end of a yellowing cigarette. I stepped over it, and then, thinking again, turned around and looked at it more carefully. Cigarette butt, i told myself -- right? Right. Right? I crouched down and picked it up off the ground only to discover that I was, in the brilliant afternoon sunlight, holding a full vial of crack in my now trembling fingers.
An hour later, I was reasoned with. Just because you find a vial of crack in the screened in muckroom of a reasonably priced rental house does not mean that you have signed a lease to move into a former crack den. It doesn't even mean that the neighbors smoke crack, that the former tenants smoked crack, or that crackheads have been smoking crack in the backyard. We met the soon-to-be neighbor in the garage apartment in the back, she is certainly not a crackhead and she had nothing but positive things to say about living there. It is quite possible that someone saw the house was for rent, saw the back porch as a fine place to toss a vial to come get later. Once we move in and there are signs of activity, we should be okay. The street is in a decent neighborhood. Also, I have to remember, I see crackheads and methheads every day in this neighborhood. They're not going anywhere. A person who had most likely been smoking crack was found by our neighbors pleasuring himself in our garage out back not too long ago.
Perhaps I should take the advice of my friend RM, who suggests that this should be seen as a little offering, a premature house-warming gift . . . In any case, we'll be smudging the rooms with a large cut of sage and moving in on the first of the month. Wish us luck!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
could cloud (two)
you could pull out everything you've ever saved -- your macrame owls, your peacock statuettes, your blow-up alien dolls, your thousands of pillows, your tapestries and blankets, and use them to throw a party. you could drive through a smoke-filled landscape, up into the mountains, and find ancient rocks that drip boiling hot water into muscle-softening pools in the earth. you could hang out with cowboys, work a corn patch, read books in a rocking chair on the porch of a unkempt building and smell the alfalfa growing in the fields. you could breathe the driest of airs, down in death valley, where the heat is so intense the boulders are bleached white and nothing lives except an eccentric 83 year old woman who runs what she calls her opera house, a space she painted and danced in for the past twenty years -- all by herself, at times danced for no one but herself. you could visit the graves of the unknown buried in the desert, mounds of dirt surrounded by rocks, little wooden crucifixes marking the head. you could freak out under the flash and neon of las vegas lights, a postmodern sublime wavering in the heat, the exorbitant cash flow ringing like a register from every corner. you could decide to move. you could fly to birmingham, quiet, dilapidated birmingham, check into an old hotel, listen to an old man stomp and howl with his orchestra under smoky amber lights. you could, with a crowd of downtrodden thitry-somethings, sing along to songs about the razor blade hidden under the candy surface of every day life. you could fetch a bottle of wine and a six pack of beer from a trading post on a dead end street, sit on the curb with your beloved and watch fireworks explode over the statue of a vulcan that sits at the highest point on the hill above the city, watch the kids run in the streets, and eavesdrop on conversations tipsy adults have about how long the owners of the building kept it in disrepair, and who would own it next.
sometimes a storm is what you need: this afternoon's clouded darkness, its rumble and boom, its downpour.
sometimes a storm is what you need: this afternoon's clouded darkness, its rumble and boom, its downpour.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
bionic tonic (for a summer cold)
one small onion, thinly sliced
three or four scallions or ramps, sliced
one bunch radishes, sliced; greens chopped
4 cu. water
one bunch watercress
olive oil, lemon, salt
sautee onions, scallions, and radish with pinch of salt for 3 mins.
add 4 cu. water. bring to boil and simmer 15 mins.
add watercress and greens, simmer 5 mins.
season with fresh squeezed lemon and salt to taste.
three or four scallions or ramps, sliced
one bunch radishes, sliced; greens chopped
4 cu. water
one bunch watercress
olive oil, lemon, salt
sautee onions, scallions, and radish with pinch of salt for 3 mins.
add 4 cu. water. bring to boil and simmer 15 mins.
add watercress and greens, simmer 5 mins.
season with fresh squeezed lemon and salt to taste.
Friday, June 06, 2008
paparazzi
in the first released photos, i'm walking back from the co-op in mismatched clothing, a striped t-shirt and pair of plaid shorts, a canvas bag filled with carrots, fennel, beets, and chard swings from my grip and a pair of yellow sunglasses perches on my nose. i have bedhead and my face is pretty scruffy. i hold hands with an unknown woman in dark sunglasses, covered in tattoos. we walk down a sidewalk, turn a corner, and cross the street.
a second set catches me out back alone, talking on a cell phone. these are shot from above, most likely the neighbor's roof. it is dusk. i am barefoot, and i wear what looks like sweat shorts and a ratty t/shirt, like i've been doing yoga. i pace the driveway, bend over and poke at the plants. in three of them i gesture cartoonishly with my hands or make a goofy face to emphasize a point or as a reaction to some piece of news.
i turn the page and find the last set. in these i'm out at a bar. it's late and i'm with my friends. we leave the bar and the photographers take me by storm, the bulbs flashing in my face. i am tired and don't want them to see me like this. in the first few, i try my best to look uninterested, eyes elsewhere, leaning into my friends with sly grin, lighting a cigarette. but then the series changes and i am angry, getting closer to the cameras. my hand takes up a whole frame. on a diagonal from the frame, my friends hold me back as i try to throw a punch. my face contorts and eyes bulge as i threaten and curse.
a second set catches me out back alone, talking on a cell phone. these are shot from above, most likely the neighbor's roof. it is dusk. i am barefoot, and i wear what looks like sweat shorts and a ratty t/shirt, like i've been doing yoga. i pace the driveway, bend over and poke at the plants. in three of them i gesture cartoonishly with my hands or make a goofy face to emphasize a point or as a reaction to some piece of news.
i turn the page and find the last set. in these i'm out at a bar. it's late and i'm with my friends. we leave the bar and the photographers take me by storm, the bulbs flashing in my face. i am tired and don't want them to see me like this. in the first few, i try my best to look uninterested, eyes elsewhere, leaning into my friends with sly grin, lighting a cigarette. but then the series changes and i am angry, getting closer to the cameras. my hand takes up a whole frame. on a diagonal from the frame, my friends hold me back as i try to throw a punch. my face contorts and eyes bulge as i threaten and curse.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
sitar, or dijerydo
the puddle on the driveway next to the apartment has been growing, inch by inch, every day until finally it dawned on me that maybe, yes, there is a leak and, sure enough, when i squatted down and looked under the bricks where the hose comes out from under the building, a fine, needle-thin spray of water could be seen arching from the pipes.
since our landlord is, at best, absentee, the process is this: call the landlord, wait for him to never call back, call the plumber, pay for it yourself, deduct from rent check at the end of the month, and cross your fingers this is okay. so far, we're right on track, having completed steps one through three. i am currently listening to the plumber bang and jingle in the bathroom, where he not only laughed right out loud at the current arrangement of the pipes under the sink, which have been re-routed along a peculiar path that seems anti-thetical to drainage, but also advised us to "get rid of" the old, leaking faucets we have in there and replace them with new ones. and so, for the past two hours, i've been uneasily trying to settle into my reading and note-taking, but mostly i am distracted by this man, the fact that the water has been shut off, and that i've just finished my fourth cup of strong black coffee.
on memorial day, i got off my lazy ass and took the push broom from the garage and swept the mounds and mounds of tree-pollen from the back driveway/patio area. i swept up a final large pile that came to about the top of my knees, and shoved it into the little gated area where i sometimes toss the leaves of turnips or beets. suddenly, the back area was a fine place to be, again, and i built up some shelving out of old bricks and planks of wood in the garage, artfully arranged our flowers, herbs, and plants along them to make the sitting area look like a place where neo-hippies might hang out with a sitar or dijerydo. i noticed the infamous pomegranate tree has three new fruits coming in, and i listened to the mysterious warble of a red-headed bird that was hopping from limb to limb in the pecan trees that tower in our back yard. the weekend was so quiet -- HH and just about every one of my neighbors were out of town, so i felt like i had the whole block to myself as i walked to get some groceries and some beer, and then, after the sun set, i sat outside and scribbled notes to myself on the big ideas that have been governing my thoughts these days, watched the stray cats chase after frogs and saw bats flittering wildly over the rooftops.
i guess part of getting rid of that "unmoored" feeling is to remember that you might, in fact, have an anchor and that you might have to cast it down right where you are to -- what? not necessarily feel stable (i have problems with sea sickness), but at least get a sense of where you are, leaky pipes and all.
since our landlord is, at best, absentee, the process is this: call the landlord, wait for him to never call back, call the plumber, pay for it yourself, deduct from rent check at the end of the month, and cross your fingers this is okay. so far, we're right on track, having completed steps one through three. i am currently listening to the plumber bang and jingle in the bathroom, where he not only laughed right out loud at the current arrangement of the pipes under the sink, which have been re-routed along a peculiar path that seems anti-thetical to drainage, but also advised us to "get rid of" the old, leaking faucets we have in there and replace them with new ones. and so, for the past two hours, i've been uneasily trying to settle into my reading and note-taking, but mostly i am distracted by this man, the fact that the water has been shut off, and that i've just finished my fourth cup of strong black coffee.
on memorial day, i got off my lazy ass and took the push broom from the garage and swept the mounds and mounds of tree-pollen from the back driveway/patio area. i swept up a final large pile that came to about the top of my knees, and shoved it into the little gated area where i sometimes toss the leaves of turnips or beets. suddenly, the back area was a fine place to be, again, and i built up some shelving out of old bricks and planks of wood in the garage, artfully arranged our flowers, herbs, and plants along them to make the sitting area look like a place where neo-hippies might hang out with a sitar or dijerydo. i noticed the infamous pomegranate tree has three new fruits coming in, and i listened to the mysterious warble of a red-headed bird that was hopping from limb to limb in the pecan trees that tower in our back yard. the weekend was so quiet -- HH and just about every one of my neighbors were out of town, so i felt like i had the whole block to myself as i walked to get some groceries and some beer, and then, after the sun set, i sat outside and scribbled notes to myself on the big ideas that have been governing my thoughts these days, watched the stray cats chase after frogs and saw bats flittering wildly over the rooftops.
i guess part of getting rid of that "unmoored" feeling is to remember that you might, in fact, have an anchor and that you might have to cast it down right where you are to -- what? not necessarily feel stable (i have problems with sea sickness), but at least get a sense of where you are, leaky pipes and all.
Friday, May 02, 2008
unmooring
when we were little, my grandfather would wake us up in the morning by pretending that the bed was a boat and that he was the captain, and that we were headed out from a dock that was the bedroom or whatever fold-out sofa bed we might have spent the night. "goodbye!," he'd yell to no one who was there, "goodbye, now!" we'd wake up, one by one, listening to the sound of the engine that he made low in his throat. pretty soon my sisters and my cousins and I would be yelling our farewells, too: "goodbye, mom!" "goodbye, uncle jack!" "goodbye, aunt ro-ro!" i would picture everyone gathered on the dock, the water dappling in the sunlight, the sides of the boat as we moved out to sea, unmoored, having departed for an imaginary world that, after several minutes, gave me great pause -- where, exactly, were we going?
it occurs to me that this is a memory of an act of imagination about departure that was performed upon awakening and, in a way, a reversal. you might, for example, expect your grandfather to take you on an imaginary journey for parts unknown as a way to bridge the space between waking and dreaming. for us, it was the opposite. and, from what i can remember, we never arrived anywhere, we just left and we had no real destination in site. at first, it was really easy to get wrapped up in the fervor of yelling and waving, trying to one up each other by remembering who we still hadn't said goodbye to -- distant cousins, neighbors, schoolteachers. but, eventually, you'd get to puzzling over what you were supposed to imagine was happening once we got out of sight, once we were at sea and there was, ironically, nothing to see, and then it was simply over. now that we were fully awake -- well? well, now what?
i'm thinking about departures and endings because, of course, the summer's coming, which means i'll be saying goodbye to the all-too familiar routine of exhaustion and, by hook or by crook, i'll enter a new way of inhabiting the world, just for a little while -- on my own terms, more or less, while i intellectually and emotionally recuperate from the drain of way too many students who exert an unbelievable amount of resistance. the goal is to read deeply, develop more Big Ideas, and write about them. keep on with the yoga. go for walks. listen to abstract music. communicate with smart people. maybe return to this blog, which feels distant from me, now, especially since i suspect that, yes, students are reading it and i am not sure if that matters at all or maybe just a little bit.
i'm also thinking about departures and endings because, of course, the above memory demonstrates the bizarre temporality of such moments -- the imaginary boat ride begins as an ending, as a departure, but it never formally ends in its own right. it just kind of fizzles out in a vague non-memory of non-completion. you might say it fails to end. it is a strong memory, this awakening to the beginning of an ending, but it leaves me feeling a bit adrift in the waters of my own in-between moment.
it occurs to me that this is a memory of an act of imagination about departure that was performed upon awakening and, in a way, a reversal. you might, for example, expect your grandfather to take you on an imaginary journey for parts unknown as a way to bridge the space between waking and dreaming. for us, it was the opposite. and, from what i can remember, we never arrived anywhere, we just left and we had no real destination in site. at first, it was really easy to get wrapped up in the fervor of yelling and waving, trying to one up each other by remembering who we still hadn't said goodbye to -- distant cousins, neighbors, schoolteachers. but, eventually, you'd get to puzzling over what you were supposed to imagine was happening once we got out of sight, once we were at sea and there was, ironically, nothing to see, and then it was simply over. now that we were fully awake -- well? well, now what?
i'm thinking about departures and endings because, of course, the summer's coming, which means i'll be saying goodbye to the all-too familiar routine of exhaustion and, by hook or by crook, i'll enter a new way of inhabiting the world, just for a little while -- on my own terms, more or less, while i intellectually and emotionally recuperate from the drain of way too many students who exert an unbelievable amount of resistance. the goal is to read deeply, develop more Big Ideas, and write about them. keep on with the yoga. go for walks. listen to abstract music. communicate with smart people. maybe return to this blog, which feels distant from me, now, especially since i suspect that, yes, students are reading it and i am not sure if that matters at all or maybe just a little bit.
i'm also thinking about departures and endings because, of course, the above memory demonstrates the bizarre temporality of such moments -- the imaginary boat ride begins as an ending, as a departure, but it never formally ends in its own right. it just kind of fizzles out in a vague non-memory of non-completion. you might say it fails to end. it is a strong memory, this awakening to the beginning of an ending, but it leaves me feeling a bit adrift in the waters of my own in-between moment.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
the surprising thing about ideas is that they find other homes besides yours
wind rattles new spring leaves outside the window from about three blocks away i can hear revving engines of westheimer's traffic men's voices from the bar call across the yards the sun has just set the dishes are washed and stacked on the draining board the apartment is tidy and a quiet glass of something to drink makes rings on the desk next to me why o why is starting something new so incredibly difficult?
Thursday, March 20, 2008
six word memoir
your
plastic
eyes
gave
me
warmth.
I was tagged by the other mother.
I tag:
The six word memoir rules are:
- write your own six word memoir.
- post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like.
- link to the person that tagged you in your post.
- tag five more blogs with links.
- leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!
Monday, March 10, 2008
keywords (notes for the future)
domestic disruption
new buildings and public works
rogue and failed
airport as border
detention and delay
anti-lynching film
textual orientalizing
studio-backed film with Black themes
new talkies
desire for cinephilia
mumblecore
hand-held verite
world without adults
lo-fi
millenials
indiewood
niche audience
art cinema-lite
cinema of provocation
structured absence
cross-over film
gonzo v. amateur
queer caucus
authetification of female pleasure
aesthetic of disappearance
impossible addressee
surrogate's point of view
rhetoric of authentic sex
inability to communicate
freak status
indie-quirk
personal excess of identification
radically un-ironic
new buildings and public works
rogue and failed
airport as border
detention and delay
anti-lynching film
textual orientalizing
studio-backed film with Black themes
new talkies
desire for cinephilia
mumblecore
hand-held verite
world without adults
lo-fi
millenials
indiewood
niche audience
art cinema-lite
cinema of provocation
structured absence
cross-over film
gonzo v. amateur
queer caucus
authetification of female pleasure
aesthetic of disappearance
impossible addressee
surrogate's point of view
rhetoric of authentic sex
inability to communicate
freak status
indie-quirk
personal excess of identification
radically un-ironic
Saturday, February 23, 2008
roobois
have you noticed how, in the rearview mirror, the little wrinkles under your eyes have become just a little deeper, and did you wonder, today, if the guy in his twenties, who called you and your partner up looking for a little guidance, might have noticed, and maybe that's what, in the end, made you seem more like you knew what you were talking about when it came to matters of being alive in this world, having lived the struggle to this point, having already been shaken to your very core by the unexpected meanness of the world, and having survived it, and come out feeling like you are doing just fine?
fine -- a fine afternoon walk to the teahouse leads to the meeting of this new young friend, you can call him your friend even though you never met him, and you sit outside, together with the one you love, and go from one question to the next, thinking and trying to say, like, how do you account for the decisions you've made, and why do, all of a sudden, decisions seem less like decisions and more like some sort of roll of the dice, some kind of cosmic kaleidoscope that set you turning and falling into strange but colorful patterns, suddenly there and seemingly together, and just as suddenly gone and rearranged? if he asks how do you know, when did you know, how did you decide, what was it like, what's it like now, you will pour the red roobois tea and sip and think it's such a wide, wide past to return to. you recall, in exact ways not, at first, the times and places and people but, more accurately, the unbelievable crisis of not knowing, when nothing made sense, and it all seemed terribly new and unavoidable, and you reach for an answer but you cannot quite grasp it. you listen with care.
how the story of not knowing must begin with trying to put into words what you do not know how to say, how weird this feels, how it makes you so sensitive and shy. when was the last time you felt this? what to compare it to? what the street smells like when new rain falls on hot asphalt. what leaves sound like when breezes blow at night. like sweeping the dust out of a corner -- you're not touching it with your hand, but you know something's working because your holding the other end of the broom. how to not be alone in the world when you start everything over. finding your way around the apartment at night with no lights on.
the sun starts to set. you smile and hug your new friend. he is red like roobois. you walk home with your beloved and think about the new wrinkles. you don't mind -- you like it. so much more to go. it's not even half-over.
fine -- a fine afternoon walk to the teahouse leads to the meeting of this new young friend, you can call him your friend even though you never met him, and you sit outside, together with the one you love, and go from one question to the next, thinking and trying to say, like, how do you account for the decisions you've made, and why do, all of a sudden, decisions seem less like decisions and more like some sort of roll of the dice, some kind of cosmic kaleidoscope that set you turning and falling into strange but colorful patterns, suddenly there and seemingly together, and just as suddenly gone and rearranged? if he asks how do you know, when did you know, how did you decide, what was it like, what's it like now, you will pour the red roobois tea and sip and think it's such a wide, wide past to return to. you recall, in exact ways not, at first, the times and places and people but, more accurately, the unbelievable crisis of not knowing, when nothing made sense, and it all seemed terribly new and unavoidable, and you reach for an answer but you cannot quite grasp it. you listen with care.
how the story of not knowing must begin with trying to put into words what you do not know how to say, how weird this feels, how it makes you so sensitive and shy. when was the last time you felt this? what to compare it to? what the street smells like when new rain falls on hot asphalt. what leaves sound like when breezes blow at night. like sweeping the dust out of a corner -- you're not touching it with your hand, but you know something's working because your holding the other end of the broom. how to not be alone in the world when you start everything over. finding your way around the apartment at night with no lights on.
the sun starts to set. you smile and hug your new friend. he is red like roobois. you walk home with your beloved and think about the new wrinkles. you don't mind -- you like it. so much more to go. it's not even half-over.
Friday, February 15, 2008
in fifty words or less
how the day has passed: overcast and balmy, hammers and the boom of construction, with holler and echo. before me, an empty cup of green tea. the keyboard's lettered black squares huddle safely together -- snug chiclets, in a row, magically making paragraphs of light under my fingers.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
fragments (in pairs)
storm and cold . pillows and quilts . jeans and sweatshirt . shops and windows . posters and tape . windshield and wiper . commerce and anxiety . crane and hook . bulldozer and nailgun . co-op and recipes . squash and parsnips . dreams and water . book and chair . sunlight and window . notes and coffee . sex and film . talk and manhattans . scent and memory . austin and time . email and facebook . clutter and desk . receipts and clipboards . depth and surface . frame and lighting . tacos and balloons . cap and scarf . mat and block . stretch and rest . ankle and sit-bone . ribcage and spine . steam and peppermint . towel and socks . rodent and drywall . empty and spacious . sirens and traffic . hollers and helicopters . calendar and ink . diamonds and cactus . moon and stars .
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
what leads to tea and advil?
hours on the plane and more in the car which lulls me with the slush and hum and my mother's constant chatter and the heat running she swerves from one topic to the next and asks so many questions the city of brotherly love shines magnificently in the afternoon light and we cross a bridge and motel motel motel strip mall strip mall motel and then into the little town where i grew up all the same houses all the same there's ours my father in his sweat pants hugs me some of the furniture is different and then i drop my bag in the room where my grandfather lived and died
later at the local bar i meet with old friends the people on this earth i have known the longest outside of my family every one of them a study: the one who just moved into the city the one who became a cop the one with a secret she whispers to me at the bar the one whose grandmother who raised her just died the one who knows she is sexy and the one i haven't seen in fifteen years who looks exactly the same and tells me she is unemployed all have big smiles and we drink into the night remembering how it was mostly when we were teenagers and what ever happened to? on the way home i discover a pack of marlboro ultra lights in the hidey-hole in my mother's car and smoke about a half of just one
in the catholic church i notice everyone there is white and mention this to my father who specualtes that the church would be much stronger if after slavery the catholics had and my mind drifts because i don't really understand what he's talking about and so i'm nodding but really thinking that as long as i am here i should be paying attention and try to remember what it was about this place that held so much for me as a young person and then drove me away with such force as a teenager i like the dirge quality of some of the songs that suggest otherworldiness i like statues of the saints the stained glass windows the smell of incense i like how ritualized everything is i like when we all turn to each other and wish each other peace how we shake hands with strangers smile and say peace be with you
there are three children eight six and two that make me smile as soon as we get in the door after a long drive up into the hills in the northern part of the state my ears pop every couple of minutes as we pull in the last stretch of the ride there is snow on the ground and it is gorgeous the house is cozy with sad sounding geese honking and flying in V-shapes overhead [my older sister yells up to them you! are going! the wrong! way!] and the kids beckon me to discover new things they've received from santa there's lots of chasing shouting spinning running my beautiful beautiful sisters are there and it is such a relief to see them instantly i feel giddy and the wine is poured and i hug them and i laugh like i haven't laughed in a long time and we break out into song at the top of our lungs and dance like crazy people and tease each other mercilessly so that the children are quiet for a second and look at us like maybe we were once children too that night i read the little boy the youngest five bedtime stories and he is very cute and small with big eyes a toothy smile and a runny nose the cutest part is that he has made up a word for when he cannot think of the word that he wants and that word is "heh-heh" as in "uncle, you? heh-heh." which means please run a comb through the tangled mess that is my hair
the rockettes if you've never seen them are like watching a kaleidoscope of women's bodies that fall into impossible shapes and patterns only to realign themselves straight across the stage in dazzling costumes in NYC we take the subway and hold the gloved-hands of the children radio city music hall is tremendous and nostalgic the crowds outside are impossible we all pack tightly back onto the subway afterwards and my niece the eight-year-old reports seeing a man with six fingers on one hand back at my younger sister's tiny little manhattan apartment we all eat roasted red pepper soup and salad and the best pizza i have ever eaten the kids and my parents leave and i spend the night drinking wine and talking with my sister and her husband until i curl up under a warm blanket and fall asleep
the drive from NYC back to my hometown is cold and grey and the NJTP is clogged with traffic once again i doze in between conversations and when we arrive back home my parents take naps while i read and do laundry i miss my friends and i miss my partner more sharply than i thought i would and i start to come down with a cold and i think about the apartment all drafty and by itself plus i discover that benazir bhutto has been killed and we turn on the television and watch until we realize that CNN is more interested in talking about what this means for the security of the united states than in bringing us news from the people of pakistan
that evening i roast a butternut squash in the oven and mash it with salt and pepper and my father makes fresh pasta it feels peaceful he teaches me how to spoon just a little of the squash into the middle of the pasta squares and then press and cut to make ravioli it is blessedly methodical and time consuming my mother makes a salad and declares that everything is hereditary which makes me cringe she and my father drink a manhattan each then we open a bottle of wine my parents ask me if i ever listen to opera and i say no the voices from the speakers are gorgeous but so melodramatic and a bit too loud but my parents love it get almost teary-eyed they tell me: this is the part of the story when! and o! then this is the part when! and o! then this part here is when
i wake up the next morning to pack everything back into my bag and think about how i have not written in my diary or in this blog for a long time or if i have written it has only been sporadically and i think about how i have had so many things that i have wanted to write but that i am tired of the formula sick of how witty and anecdotal i tend to be that i rely on a set of conventions and as i hug my father goodbye and get into the car with my mother i think about maybe getting rid of the blog since the stories rise and fall in my mind faster than i can keep up with them and then my mother gets lost on the way to the airport which seems impossible but really it is true we are off the highway and zigzagging through philly's center city streets looking for an exit and my mother's voice is loud and very anxious and she questions how? how could this possibly be happening? and she thunks the palm of her hand on the steering wheel to emphasize how exasperated she is and says over and again o! and christ! and jeee-sus! and alll-right! the clock is ticking for me to make my flight and suddenly we are back on the highway and she is elated and reflective and analytical about how it happened and what the other possibilites might have been if she had or had not turned here or there or doubled-back or continued on or crossed-over or pulled-out-into or if only there had been a sign that was posted or an exit that should have been built or an on-ramp that should get constructed or a new road that could get public works funding i mean really now when you think about it it could be
i hug my mother goodbye and thank her for such a wonderful time together she gets teary-eyed and tells me how much she loves me and we smile and i head into the terminal and think about that word TERMINAL and i get a little shiver but the good news is that the airport is not as crowded as you'd think and i get through security and think about that word SECURITY and i wait for the boarding call and remember that on the last flight i was on i was seated next to an older gentleman who slowly ripped every page out of a magazine and folded them into little squares and stuck them neatly into the barf-bag thingy on the seat-back in front of him for the entire three-and-a-half hours and i hoped that it wouldn't be him again and it wasn't it was a blonde girl with a lot of make-up on who slept the whole time i was so happy to be back in houston when we touched ground but seem to have picked up a cold which i am now nursing with tea and advil.
later at the local bar i meet with old friends the people on this earth i have known the longest outside of my family every one of them a study: the one who just moved into the city the one who became a cop the one with a secret she whispers to me at the bar the one whose grandmother who raised her just died the one who knows she is sexy and the one i haven't seen in fifteen years who looks exactly the same and tells me she is unemployed all have big smiles and we drink into the night remembering how it was mostly when we were teenagers and what ever happened to? on the way home i discover a pack of marlboro ultra lights in the hidey-hole in my mother's car and smoke about a half of just one
in the catholic church i notice everyone there is white and mention this to my father who specualtes that the church would be much stronger if after slavery the catholics had and my mind drifts because i don't really understand what he's talking about and so i'm nodding but really thinking that as long as i am here i should be paying attention and try to remember what it was about this place that held so much for me as a young person and then drove me away with such force as a teenager i like the dirge quality of some of the songs that suggest otherworldiness i like statues of the saints the stained glass windows the smell of incense i like how ritualized everything is i like when we all turn to each other and wish each other peace how we shake hands with strangers smile and say peace be with you
there are three children eight six and two that make me smile as soon as we get in the door after a long drive up into the hills in the northern part of the state my ears pop every couple of minutes as we pull in the last stretch of the ride there is snow on the ground and it is gorgeous the house is cozy with sad sounding geese honking and flying in V-shapes overhead [my older sister yells up to them you! are going! the wrong! way!] and the kids beckon me to discover new things they've received from santa there's lots of chasing shouting spinning running my beautiful beautiful sisters are there and it is such a relief to see them instantly i feel giddy and the wine is poured and i hug them and i laugh like i haven't laughed in a long time and we break out into song at the top of our lungs and dance like crazy people and tease each other mercilessly so that the children are quiet for a second and look at us like maybe we were once children too that night i read the little boy the youngest five bedtime stories and he is very cute and small with big eyes a toothy smile and a runny nose the cutest part is that he has made up a word for when he cannot think of the word that he wants and that word is "heh-heh" as in "uncle, you? heh-heh." which means please run a comb through the tangled mess that is my hair
the rockettes if you've never seen them are like watching a kaleidoscope of women's bodies that fall into impossible shapes and patterns only to realign themselves straight across the stage in dazzling costumes in NYC we take the subway and hold the gloved-hands of the children radio city music hall is tremendous and nostalgic the crowds outside are impossible we all pack tightly back onto the subway afterwards and my niece the eight-year-old reports seeing a man with six fingers on one hand back at my younger sister's tiny little manhattan apartment we all eat roasted red pepper soup and salad and the best pizza i have ever eaten the kids and my parents leave and i spend the night drinking wine and talking with my sister and her husband until i curl up under a warm blanket and fall asleep
the drive from NYC back to my hometown is cold and grey and the NJTP is clogged with traffic once again i doze in between conversations and when we arrive back home my parents take naps while i read and do laundry i miss my friends and i miss my partner more sharply than i thought i would and i start to come down with a cold and i think about the apartment all drafty and by itself plus i discover that benazir bhutto has been killed and we turn on the television and watch until we realize that CNN is more interested in talking about what this means for the security of the united states than in bringing us news from the people of pakistan
that evening i roast a butternut squash in the oven and mash it with salt and pepper and my father makes fresh pasta it feels peaceful he teaches me how to spoon just a little of the squash into the middle of the pasta squares and then press and cut to make ravioli it is blessedly methodical and time consuming my mother makes a salad and declares that everything is hereditary which makes me cringe she and my father drink a manhattan each then we open a bottle of wine my parents ask me if i ever listen to opera and i say no the voices from the speakers are gorgeous but so melodramatic and a bit too loud but my parents love it get almost teary-eyed they tell me: this is the part of the story when! and o! then this is the part when! and o! then this part here is when
i wake up the next morning to pack everything back into my bag and think about how i have not written in my diary or in this blog for a long time or if i have written it has only been sporadically and i think about how i have had so many things that i have wanted to write but that i am tired of the formula sick of how witty and anecdotal i tend to be that i rely on a set of conventions and as i hug my father goodbye and get into the car with my mother i think about maybe getting rid of the blog since the stories rise and fall in my mind faster than i can keep up with them and then my mother gets lost on the way to the airport which seems impossible but really it is true we are off the highway and zigzagging through philly's center city streets looking for an exit and my mother's voice is loud and very anxious and she questions how? how could this possibly be happening? and she thunks the palm of her hand on the steering wheel to emphasize how exasperated she is and says over and again o! and christ! and jeee-sus! and alll-right! the clock is ticking for me to make my flight and suddenly we are back on the highway and she is elated and reflective and analytical about how it happened and what the other possibilites might have been if she had or had not turned here or there or doubled-back or continued on or crossed-over or pulled-out-into or if only there had been a sign that was posted or an exit that should have been built or an on-ramp that should get constructed or a new road that could get public works funding i mean really now when you think about it it could be
i hug my mother goodbye and thank her for such a wonderful time together she gets teary-eyed and tells me how much she loves me and we smile and i head into the terminal and think about that word TERMINAL and i get a little shiver but the good news is that the airport is not as crowded as you'd think and i get through security and think about that word SECURITY and i wait for the boarding call and remember that on the last flight i was on i was seated next to an older gentleman who slowly ripped every page out of a magazine and folded them into little squares and stuck them neatly into the barf-bag thingy on the seat-back in front of him for the entire three-and-a-half hours and i hoped that it wouldn't be him again and it wasn't it was a blonde girl with a lot of make-up on who slept the whole time i was so happy to be back in houston when we touched ground but seem to have picked up a cold which i am now nursing with tea and advil.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
there is no other troy (for me to burn)
In the dream, I was waiting downtown, outside of a hotel, checking each face that passed by for the one I wanted to see most. I was wearing my backpack and carrying a camera in the pocket of my sweatshirt. I was also holding an umbrella. In a short while, I saw who I was looking for -- a woman a little older than me. Quite short, with a neatly shaved head and large, soulful eyes. She was lingering outside the hotel doors as if she, too, were waiting for someone.
I was nervous, but I walked right up to Sinead O'Connor and said hello, introducing myself. She gave me a warm welcome by hugging me and asking me if I had been waiting for long. No, not long. "Listen," I said, getting right to the point, "I know we've only just met, but I've been wanting to talk to you about some things . . . " And I continued, a bit nervous, but feeling like this was the best way to approach her, since I didn't want to faun or gush, but ask her some direct questions that I knew she'd have answers to. She listened very carefully to my questions. I cannot recall the exact content of the questions, but I know the questions bore an enormous emotional weight for me, as if I'd been waiting my whole life to ask someone for an explanation. Sinead was so good. She told me that she could tell I was doing everything exactly right, that the questions were what mattered, for now, and to know that, just as I was struggling with what to do with problems unearthed by memory, so she was, too.
Things then shifted. Sinead was bored and said she wished she knew what there was to do in Houston, that she couldn't wait to leave because there was nothing, nothing, nothing happening here. I told her that it wasn't true, and then advised her, with growing excitement, to walk over to Allen's landing and check out how the bayous run together between the university and the jailhouse. I imagined that Sinead would find this contrast stunning, and that she could spend time reading the history of the landing that's been engraved on the walls there, perhaps see some people in kayaks or canoes paddling past. She could explore the grounds of the old, boarded up Sunset Coffee House, look at how massive the city seemed when you are dwarfed by its still-changing architectural history. Maybe she'd write a song about it.
Just as Sinead was agreeing to go for this walk, it started to rain. The streets filled with pedestrians carrying umbrellas and, in the rain and the crowd, I lost track of her. Had she gone back inside the hotel? Was she already on her way to Allen's landing? Shouldn't I find a way to invite her home to meet H. and have dinner with her? Also, didn't I need to at least get an autograph and a photo, to remember this unbelieveable meeting?
The sun finally came out. The streets cleared. I headed back to where the hotel was and went inside. I wandered a maze of floors and corridors, wondering how I would know which room was hers, and for how long I should look before heading back home.
The last thing I remember about the dream is that I did manage to find her, again. No, she hadn't forgotten that she should get to Allen's landing, but she'd be on her way out of town that evening. I tried to act casual about the whole thing. O yeah. Of course. No big deal. It's cool. Well, it was really great to see you, I said. Yeah, it was, she said, smiling, but a bit distracted. Goodbye, now.
Bye bye.
I was nervous, but I walked right up to Sinead O'Connor and said hello, introducing myself. She gave me a warm welcome by hugging me and asking me if I had been waiting for long. No, not long. "Listen," I said, getting right to the point, "I know we've only just met, but I've been wanting to talk to you about some things . . . " And I continued, a bit nervous, but feeling like this was the best way to approach her, since I didn't want to faun or gush, but ask her some direct questions that I knew she'd have answers to. She listened very carefully to my questions. I cannot recall the exact content of the questions, but I know the questions bore an enormous emotional weight for me, as if I'd been waiting my whole life to ask someone for an explanation. Sinead was so good. She told me that she could tell I was doing everything exactly right, that the questions were what mattered, for now, and to know that, just as I was struggling with what to do with problems unearthed by memory, so she was, too.
Things then shifted. Sinead was bored and said she wished she knew what there was to do in Houston, that she couldn't wait to leave because there was nothing, nothing, nothing happening here. I told her that it wasn't true, and then advised her, with growing excitement, to walk over to Allen's landing and check out how the bayous run together between the university and the jailhouse. I imagined that Sinead would find this contrast stunning, and that she could spend time reading the history of the landing that's been engraved on the walls there, perhaps see some people in kayaks or canoes paddling past. She could explore the grounds of the old, boarded up Sunset Coffee House, look at how massive the city seemed when you are dwarfed by its still-changing architectural history. Maybe she'd write a song about it.
Just as Sinead was agreeing to go for this walk, it started to rain. The streets filled with pedestrians carrying umbrellas and, in the rain and the crowd, I lost track of her. Had she gone back inside the hotel? Was she already on her way to Allen's landing? Shouldn't I find a way to invite her home to meet H. and have dinner with her? Also, didn't I need to at least get an autograph and a photo, to remember this unbelieveable meeting?
The sun finally came out. The streets cleared. I headed back to where the hotel was and went inside. I wandered a maze of floors and corridors, wondering how I would know which room was hers, and for how long I should look before heading back home.
The last thing I remember about the dream is that I did manage to find her, again. No, she hadn't forgotten that she should get to Allen's landing, but she'd be on her way out of town that evening. I tried to act casual about the whole thing. O yeah. Of course. No big deal. It's cool. Well, it was really great to see you, I said. Yeah, it was, she said, smiling, but a bit distracted. Goodbye, now.
Bye bye.
Friday, October 26, 2007
look what i can do (ribcage)
In the late-70s, I made an interesting discovery about my body.
Early one autumn, near the beginning of a new school year, I surprised myself by realizing that I could -- and you must visualize this, please -- hook the bottom tip of my left ribcage over the waistband of my corduroys, the same way a normal child might poke a thumb through a belt-loop or tuck one foot behind the other while standing around, waiting for his mom to pick him up from the bowling alley. It was a neat fit, and it was comfortable. Secure. Weirdly cozy, like a little way of saying hello to that unknown part of my body. And, because I have been who I am since at least this age, the act went from being a one-time discovery to being a fully-blown neurotic habit. From September of that year through May of the next, I graduated from simply hooking the tip of my rib over the waist of whatever pair of jeans or uniform pants I was wearing to going even further with my practice, thrusting my hip back to get at my waist from a better angle, and moving the lower ribcage all the way over the width of the pleather belts my mom bought for me that cinched in tight around my middle. I would hook the rib as far over the belt as I could, then push the belt, very gently, in, so that the boney cage, at the same time, was pushed out. And I did it over and over. I did it waiting for the bus. I did it during mass. I did it while taking a break from vocabulary homework. I did it while laughing like a lunatic at Scooby-Doo. And, like I said, this went on for months -- two whole seasons of my own brand of body modification.
Since I was as shy as I was skinny, I never told anyone. I never said to Stephen Hansbury, "Watch this!" Or, even to my sisters, "Look what I can do!" Not that it was a secret, but it was a private thing. It wasn't something to show off. It was my body-idea, and I'm pretty sure I had an inkling that other children were not doing this.
That said, when summer rolled around, and I was spending my days leaping through the sprinkler out front, my mother stopped me with a weird look on her face one afternoon: "Come over here." She trained a critical eye on my narrow chest with its newly formed lump protruding above and to the left of my stomach. I remember her gently poking at it, and then sending me on my way. A few days later, I was in the doctor's office, my mother nervously gritting her teeth as he poked at the lump and asked me a few questions. Does it hurt? No. Does it ever get red and puffy? No. I remember there being some conversation and confusion, and I felt an intense worry. The doctor asked me if I was doing anything, like pushing on my chest or pulling at it in any way. I reluctantly nodded yes. "Will you show me?" Barechested, I got up off the examining table and, for the very last time in my entire life, I thrust my right hip out, pulled my torso up so that my left ribcage jutted up and out, and, with real gusto, bore down and hooked my lower-rib cage over my belt, pushing it all the way out. It was quite a performance. I wish I had said, "Ta da!" and made jazz hands. My mother nearly fainted. The doctor told me that I needed to stop doing this. Right away.
I don't remember much after that visit. I mean, I don't remember struggling with trying to stop. I remember that the ribcage eventually returned to normal and, in the years since then, my mother has commented on it and concluded that the growing human body is a malleable and amazing thing. Really, there is no trace of it that I can see.
But, lately, I been wondering what would have happened if I hadn't stopped -- What might my body might have finally become? What kind of exceptional freak might I have been, and how much they would have charged to come see me, locked in my cage and eating lightbulbs?
Early one autumn, near the beginning of a new school year, I surprised myself by realizing that I could -- and you must visualize this, please -- hook the bottom tip of my left ribcage over the waistband of my corduroys, the same way a normal child might poke a thumb through a belt-loop or tuck one foot behind the other while standing around, waiting for his mom to pick him up from the bowling alley. It was a neat fit, and it was comfortable. Secure. Weirdly cozy, like a little way of saying hello to that unknown part of my body. And, because I have been who I am since at least this age, the act went from being a one-time discovery to being a fully-blown neurotic habit. From September of that year through May of the next, I graduated from simply hooking the tip of my rib over the waist of whatever pair of jeans or uniform pants I was wearing to going even further with my practice, thrusting my hip back to get at my waist from a better angle, and moving the lower ribcage all the way over the width of the pleather belts my mom bought for me that cinched in tight around my middle. I would hook the rib as far over the belt as I could, then push the belt, very gently, in, so that the boney cage, at the same time, was pushed out. And I did it over and over. I did it waiting for the bus. I did it during mass. I did it while taking a break from vocabulary homework. I did it while laughing like a lunatic at Scooby-Doo. And, like I said, this went on for months -- two whole seasons of my own brand of body modification.
Since I was as shy as I was skinny, I never told anyone. I never said to Stephen Hansbury, "Watch this!" Or, even to my sisters, "Look what I can do!" Not that it was a secret, but it was a private thing. It wasn't something to show off. It was my body-idea, and I'm pretty sure I had an inkling that other children were not doing this.
That said, when summer rolled around, and I was spending my days leaping through the sprinkler out front, my mother stopped me with a weird look on her face one afternoon: "Come over here." She trained a critical eye on my narrow chest with its newly formed lump protruding above and to the left of my stomach. I remember her gently poking at it, and then sending me on my way. A few days later, I was in the doctor's office, my mother nervously gritting her teeth as he poked at the lump and asked me a few questions. Does it hurt? No. Does it ever get red and puffy? No. I remember there being some conversation and confusion, and I felt an intense worry. The doctor asked me if I was doing anything, like pushing on my chest or pulling at it in any way. I reluctantly nodded yes. "Will you show me?" Barechested, I got up off the examining table and, for the very last time in my entire life, I thrust my right hip out, pulled my torso up so that my left ribcage jutted up and out, and, with real gusto, bore down and hooked my lower-rib cage over my belt, pushing it all the way out. It was quite a performance. I wish I had said, "Ta da!" and made jazz hands. My mother nearly fainted. The doctor told me that I needed to stop doing this. Right away.
I don't remember much after that visit. I mean, I don't remember struggling with trying to stop. I remember that the ribcage eventually returned to normal and, in the years since then, my mother has commented on it and concluded that the growing human body is a malleable and amazing thing. Really, there is no trace of it that I can see.
But, lately, I been wondering what would have happened if I hadn't stopped -- What might my body might have finally become? What kind of exceptional freak might I have been, and how much they would have charged to come see me, locked in my cage and eating lightbulbs?
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
thirty-six
1. early morning voice overs
2. small wildflowers
3. the tea house
4. short walks that clarify
5. lion's pose
6. throat
7. thresholds
8. pink moons
9. window panes
10. films noir
11. soft foot touching
12. rattle and clink of dishes while reading
13. heirloom tomatoes from the co-op
14. peppers and herbs out back
15. my sisters' voices
16. students with grills
17. communal meals
18. everday mazes
19. letters in the mailbox
20. calendula
21. dreams of the dead
22. taking notes
23. stacks of books
24. small children's pointing fingers
25. the gaze inward
26. solitude's ease
27. brain stretching
28. muscle tickles
29. skin tags
30. endless leg bones
31. the edge of missing people
32. intrasubjectivity
33. soul showers
34. joining
35. towards and further
36. surprising halos
2. small wildflowers
3. the tea house
4. short walks that clarify
5. lion's pose
6. throat
7. thresholds
8. pink moons
9. window panes
10. films noir
11. soft foot touching
12. rattle and clink of dishes while reading
13. heirloom tomatoes from the co-op
14. peppers and herbs out back
15. my sisters' voices
16. students with grills
17. communal meals
18. everday mazes
19. letters in the mailbox
20. calendula
21. dreams of the dead
22. taking notes
23. stacks of books
24. small children's pointing fingers
25. the gaze inward
26. solitude's ease
27. brain stretching
28. muscle tickles
29. skin tags
30. endless leg bones
31. the edge of missing people
32. intrasubjectivity
33. soul showers
34. joining
35. towards and further
36. surprising halos
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
